I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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