I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
