someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
