So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
