I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
