Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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