Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?