last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?