Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath