We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
