Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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