There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
someone get that fucking seahorse.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
