I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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