Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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