I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
