I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
They have beer where we have blood.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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