Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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