So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
