I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
