I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
