you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
