sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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