The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He? As in you personified your dick?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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