yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
