I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
