her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
