I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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