you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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