i jhust puked up my retainher.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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