Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
