I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
