so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
