The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
