dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
