I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
