I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
