dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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