My sheets look like a crime scene.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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