I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
