apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
