Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
