Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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