That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
