We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
