Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
