life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
