Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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