why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
