Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
