Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
