So drunk its hurt
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
