Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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