Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
3pm strippers are depressing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
