As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
