Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
