Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
