If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
