I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
