how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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