If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm passing your future prison.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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