My room smells like vodka and shame
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
