While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
