Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
