He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, beer. Big fan.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
