While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
