my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
